Sunny side up, or Paranoia-over-easy?

There is no escape from the gripping clutches of insecurity. It shadows over you like an eclipse blocking out the light of the sun, wiping away your smiles and laughter within moments. Huge and ominous flying machines cover the sky in your line of sight, foreshadowing the fields of green and turning them into barren wastelands. It only takes one word, one misplaced thought, one drop of ink in your cup of gold and it spreads with veiny, twisted urgency blackening the view out of your rose coloured glasses. The plains were covered in ashen downpour, darkening mist looming over the horizon, there was no sun shining where you stood anymore. It was getting hard to breathe.

Its grip on your chest tightens with every breath you let out, you suffocate in your own irrational thoughts, your brain swirling in a vortex of unrealistic conclusions. You sit in a whirlpool of despair, going over the same fears in your mind a million times, and you begin to question your reality, your relationships, your friendships. You find yourself waist deep in a river of grey matter slime, it sticking to your arms and legs as you struggle to wade through it to the other side.

Your thoughts have become twisted and thorny, tangling themselves up in your brain resisting your every urge to rationalize them. Devious thoughts that were ready to harm your relationships with the people you cared about the most. Lashing thoughts like whiplashes made of double sided blades that was ready to slice the people you loved to pieces. Malicious thoughts that wanted to mutilate your own heart and watch you break, and weep mercilessly into the abyss. Paranoid delusions that created scenarios of exchanges between a best friend and Him; you saw they way he looked at her, she was far more beautiful, and far less in need of your affections. Would they like each other more than they loved you? Why was he ignoring you; why were you left hanging with those two little blue checks for proof of his evasiveness? Had he got tired of your attention, or did he just need some space? Were your friends lying to you, were they conspiring against you, with their heads together, speaking in low voices? Covering up a web of deceit spun in a invisible thread that you felt caught in? The more you struggled to get out of it the more you got entangled in its wires. You irrevocably damaged mind was rearing you up for slaughter, sending you like a bull to its death. Almost like it relished the agony it caused you when it fed you these nightmares.

It was your own mind, fabricating this destructive web, getting your own self trapped in a maze with no way out, each turn leading to a dead end, ending with a painful death each worse than the last. You run blindly feeling your way through this maze, unaware that it is your own mind that is playing the role of the cruel puppet master.

You toss and turn, sending out consistently more erratic feelings and thoughts like rattling pulses out into the universe. You urge with all the hope in your heart for some reassurance, from him, from yourself. You cannot let yourself be submerged in this sticky depraved misery, for that is when you lose your sanity. Knowing in your heart that you loved and trusted all these people, and that they would never deliberately hurt you, gives you a flutter of hope for yourself.

It was the fear of loving someone, and the insecurity of dealing with betrayal in past incidences recurring that made you so irreparably afraid. But could you trust your own instincts, could you trust yourself to even know whether the attachment you felt to deeply for this person was even worth all the struggle to cross the river of muck to the shores of reality on the other side? You look down and you realize that it was the attachment itself that was what you were stuck in, clinging to your body and creeping in to every crevice, holding on to your skin. But you did not need to struggle against it, because you could ease yourself into it and it would embrace you, and you might find yourself in quiet appreciation of being immersed in it…

 

 

 

Fate and Choice?

Fate. and Choice.

Which is it that directs our futures?

Are we all merely floating down the cosmic river of space time, being carried by its current to places pre-determined, or do we have control of the flow of the river, does your choices in navigating the white waters really affect the ultimate destination of your journey?

Our physical world being made up of millions and millions of dancing protons and electrons in its essence. Whatever we perceive of our world is in intrinsic nature purely vibrating particles of matter. Everything that makes you matter is made up of matter. From your hairdryer, your favourite outfit, to the things you eat and drink, to nature and trees and lakes and mountains, the sun, the stars, the sky, and the air you breathe is all a concentration of the same basic ingredients.

In a quantum sense, it is known that the path that these particles take happens to change or alter their behaviour when they are under observation. The act of looking, or perceiving changes the path the electrons take. When left to its own devices, the particles behave in a manner that suggests that they exist in multiple possibilities of any given moment of existence, simultaneously.

Does that mean that all matter in our entire universe is constantly experiencing every probable opportunity of its own existence concurrently at any given point in time? Are we merely an ocean of particles existing in a multiplex of equidistant time-dimensions acting out all the possible outcomes of every probable path that your vibrating matter can conceivably take? Like a giant universe size game of three-dimensional chess where there would be an unlimited number of layers and a hundred billion chess pieces moving around in a predisposed manner testing out each and every single path of the game, all happening in every fraction of a millisecond, constantly.

Until it is observed. The observer would be our thoughts, our mind, our consciousness. The act of our mind being consciously aware of what we do, what surrounds us and what paths lay before us, sets in motion the course of the possible immediate future. Falling from the infinite floating plethora of possibilities down like giant Tetris tiles fitting into each other and completing a layer, a moment in time and onto the next. Our conscious or sub-conscious choices, in perception to the reality surrounding us is what  lays out the corporeal existence around us.

We choose the paths our future is set in purely by the act of thinking, being conscious, being aware. We choose the tiles that fall into place next not by random, but selectively even though we may not know or realize it. A different choice could result in a different future entirely, a chain reaction feeding off the subliminal to impactful day to day actions like what you choose to eat for breakfast, from whether to turn left or right, to what conversation you have with a friend, to whether you allow your sadness to keep hold in your heart, whether you should leave the man who mistreats you, to what colour nail-polish you wear on you nails today, all fall in place because you have caused those events to unfold in that certain order for your own.

Your mind the ever omnipresent observer of all that is past, present and future is what ultimately creates your solid reality as you float through the space-time river, floating deliberately rather than predeterminately. What we determine as fate, being those moments in time where your path collides with the path of another’s, to the surprise of even your own mind.